Who I Am
This is who I am and therefore, it is also the heart of goldfeather. But it’s really not about me at all. I am simply a vessel just as you-- a carrier of a message: A voice of hope... hands of understanding... a heart of deep love... It’s all about who God wants to be for each of us. There is no doubt in my heart that He has made me exactly the way I am and allowed circumstances to fall upon my life so that I may be greatly used for His purposes. The joy, the sorrow, the promises….all of it has prepared me to give out of what He has and is giving to me and that is the heart of goldfeather. So here is a little bit of me that you may know a lot of Him.
My friend Anna calls me her 'layered friend.” This is her nice way of saying that I am a very complicated person. Sure, I have some easy things about me: I love to perform in front of people. I love to sing, workout and listen to God anywhere outside. I love words in general and think of myself as a word artist. I am best described as a rebellious rule-follower and an extroverted introvert. I love watching my husband with my children and eating dark chocolate and almonds in the same bite. And my favorite thing in the world to do is sleep and I feel guilty for writing that.
But the layers begin to unravel a bit thereafter. I feel, therefore I am. And this, my friends, is a blessing and a curse. I don’t just hear stories of pain but I feel those stories as if they belong to me, as if my soul is sucked into their world and their horror. Sometimes I feel so much that it seems impossible to live in this world and actually survive. I lost ten years of my life inside thick walls of perceived safety after experiencing deep loss. I am a master of hiding, running and numbing. And then there is the fact that I cannot say what I do for a living for fear that others will laugh at me behind my back saying I am unworthy and ugly--an imposter walking the runway. But behind closed doors, I scramble and strive in a desperate attempt to be beautiful. To be perfect. It is an addiction that controls every minute, every second, every moment of my life, its futility leaving me helpless.
I have spent my entire life trying to hide who I really am inside a neat and tidy little shell of a person. I don't necessarily care if you think I have it all together, I think that part is pretty obvious, but I really do care if you like me. And I really want to look good while I am trying to make you like me. But after 20 plus years of a modeling career, a foot injury has put an end to the very thing that has given me life, breath and belonging. It has put an end to the only me I have known in a very long time. Honestly, I have no idea who I am without it. And that is where my story begins. I am here, right smack dab in the middle of the execution of the imposter and the resurrection of the God warrior. I have no idea how to give out of something I have not walked through except to bravely live in the moment out loud. The lies I have heard and believed have kept me small and quiet for so long. But no more.
Bravery is welling up in my heart like a tidal wave heading toward the shore. Every now and then I catch a glimpse of the woman I AM, the woman we were all created to be. And although I recognize her, she feels like a stranger. But I like her. A lot. She is strong and confident and chosen. And I know in the end, she will win.
My passion runs deep for the hurting, and doesn’t that describe all of us? Our hearts were not created for the world we live in--a great friction being created by this rub. But the whispers of hope are like a salve for our souls. Can you hear them? ...Our refinement under His refuge...the redemption of pain...beauty redefined...finding God in our pain...unearthing our own stories... God’s Hope is endless and He has new secrets for us every day. May I listen. May I hear. May I obey. And may I walk with you as we both learn what it really looks like to love God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength.