Sometimes I forget. In that long, dark corridor...in the thoughts of the night...in the waiting and in the wandering...sometimes i forget what HOPE really is. I know I am supposed to remember. I am, after all, a giver of HOPE. I am a messenger of HOPE. But sometimes I forget…
When pain comes, the kind of pain that forces you to dig deep to remember truth, it can challenge the very core of everything you believe. This kind of pain asks us who we really are and what we really believe.
Yesterday, I ran. In the face of the pain of suffering and death as I watched my Dad’s body begin to give in to the brevity of life, I merely tried to make it through the day. I found myself continually trying to reign in my heart and not turn away from the pain. I am extremely proficient at running and numbing and averting my eyes from the hard is second nature. I didn’t feel angry or bitter toward God but honestly I found it very difficult to turn toward him. Last night, as I lay in bed, I realized that I really had not talked to Him all day. I sat in the middle of the pain without looking around for God. I felt as if I lost HOPE yesterday.
So where is the HOPE when you want to run and hide from death and the sweet memories and the ripping of a heart from your own--a heart whose life has so greatly impacted who you were and who you have become? Today, I know where HOPE is. Today as I face the new challenges that the day will surely hold, I know where HOPE will be found. HOPE will be there waiting for me right inside the pain and hurt. I can walk this day knowing that somehow, someway, through this and every trial I face, God will change my heart. We will never come through pain the same as when we went in. We can look around, look up from our head in our hands, look up from our weeping to see that His promises are still true. There is indeed beauty to be found in the pain. We have hope that through all the tears and sadness and challenges of this life, God is absolutely going to show us the glory of all that He is. He will show us the beauty and the power that is the promise of life.
I want to lift my eyes today...off of the hospital bed and the numbers and shapes on the monitors. I want to lift my eyes off of what I am losing and focus on where I can find the beauty of his holiness today. I want glory. I need this endless love and glory of God to cascade through my heart. This is my HOPE today, that through all I face in life, God will show up. He will be seen. His glory will prevail. His beauty will be seen in the pain. I HOPE because through this pain is where i will find the depth of God’s love for all His people. For me and for you.
3 But that’s not all! Even in times of trouble we have a joyful confidence, knowing that our pressures will develop in us patient endurance. 4 And patient endurance will refine our character, and proven character leads us back to hope. 5 And this hope is not a disappointing fantasy,[d] because we can now experience the endless love of God cascading into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who lives in us![e]