Never Really an Orphan
My children. Oh, how I love them. I have always had such a hard time with the phrase, “Give your children to God.” I think I was afraid if I really did this, something would happen to them--like they would no longer be mine. I think from my wounded places I would see God saying, “Well thank you! I will take them!.” At night I would try doing this--telling God they were His -- relinquishing my grip and control over their health, hearts and lives. But I’m quite sure God knew I was really holding on with a death grip to their little bodies.
When I woke up today, I realized for the 474th time in 8 days that I am a worldly orphan. I no longer have my Mama’s unconditional, crazy passionate, wild love or my Dad’s provision, protection and quiet but deep love. It’s all gone like a gust of wind that comes and instantly blows the paper out of your hand. It makes my heart wonder if it all was just a dream….all the memories and hugs and laughter. All the good. My mind knows the truth but my heart lingers a bit in the stunned confusion.
More than ever I need to belong. I need deep roots and unconditional love. I need protection and provision and wild adoration. Very quietly I hear a whisper from my heavenly Father that says, “I am all of that for you now.” He smiles as he tells me he really always has been all of that for me but I thought I needed my earthly parents more. Please hear me...we do need our parents. They are the tangible hands and hearts of God to their children. God gives us parents to point us to Him.
But now, in my loss, is my chance. Now I can truly see if God is really enough. I say that of course knowing the answer deep down but I am ready to watch his mysteriously magic power fill my heart so abundantly and so overflowingly that the depth of loss trickles away like the water of a stream. We will never stop missing those we love but I do know that God longs to be the “enough” for all of us. Even those of us with earthly parents. As wonderfully loving as they are, they will never be enough for us. We are always His, first and foremost. Oh, what perspective this puts in my heart for my own children. I think maybe now I can tell the lord what he has known all along. My children are His. I want my children to have someone who will never leave them and who will always love them with true unconditional love. I want for them the kind of love that only He can give. I love them enough to let Him be first in their lives. He loves them more than I could ever love them. I know this because I can see how much he loves me now that I am without my parents. I know this because even in the same breath that I tell you I feel like an orphan, I can also tell you that more than ever I feel like a child of God. It is the filling of my emptying heart. It is the gentle flow of water softening the rough stone. It is the slow trickle of water filling the leaky pot.
And although it feels out of control and somewhat scary to give your children away, the truth is that He has had each of your children since the time they were merely a prayer in your heart. He has them now. He will have them forever. So I say with you, “God, my children are yours.” Lets live together in the freedom this provides.