Where i've put blame on you in my past loss, I place your love.
Where I feel like so much less than enough, I place your love.
Where I feel like a book with all the pages missing but the ending, I place your love.
Where I feel like a little girl needing a mom’s unconditional love and the proud words of a father, I place your love.
Where I feel like life is just too full of loss and not enough joy, I place your love.
Where I feel too weak to speak about such a strong man to so many, I place your love.
I can't wait to tell the world tomorrow about my dad. I can't wait to share what his life was truly like all those quiet years. He, like all of us, have a story that needs to be told. There are so many gaps left in my heart by his death but I am choosing, this time, to fill my aching heart with the love of a Father who promises he will never leave me nor forsake me.
In the dark times, when we feel confused and empty and lost, there is HOPE. This HOPE makes me write...document my grief. This HOPE needs the world to know it needs no “good” circumstances to exist. It needs no money or promises or security. HOPE is wildly rebellious and does not follow the rules of the world. HOPE is still there at the very same time as our pain. It’s okay to hurt and cry and feel all the thousands of feelings you feel in sadness and still have HOPE.
My gift to you, (well, it feels like a gift because I wish someone had given it to me many years ago when I did this grief thing the wrong way.) ..is HOPE. I wish I could wrap it up in a pretty white box with gold, shiny ribbon. I would wrap it so prettily that you could not resist opening it right way. I think when you opened it you would giggle and throw the box up in delight and a million little pieces of sparkly confetti would fall from the sky. You would have HOPE forever. No matter what, Hope would be yours. I would really want to give you this HOPE tonight...before this process of goodbyes in my life is over tomorrow...so that you would know it is real. I'm not giving you this HOPE in hindsight or from a higher vantage point. I'm giving you this HOPE as I am weeping right along with you. God always told me he was there right inside of the pain so this time I am trying to look up and see the HOPE that is Him. I know He is there.